Vampires Suck

1/2 out of 5 Stars



An obvious spoof of the Twilight films that does only one thing right; the actors pull off good mimicking of what happens in the actual films. The rest is just pure horrible film making. Of course these are the people who made Scary Movie, Epic Movie, and Meet The Spartans. Therefore the jokes aren't clever. There is lots of sexual references. And thus the movie is basically like the mind of a thirteen year old boy somehow finding its way onto the big screen. Unlike spoofs such as Spaceballs and Robin Hood Men In Tights, Vampires Suck is exactly what it sounds like. A movie that sucks. Unfortunately these movies keep making money. We need another Robin Hood Men In Tights, not this crap.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

2 out of 5 Stars




First there was Twilight. Then there was New Moon. Now welcome back to the teenage melodrama with Eclipse. This time around, Bella faces her inner turmoil as she wrestles with the reality that she loves Edward and Jacob. At the same time Victoria is still after her for Edward killing her mate and an army of newborn vampires is created that could wipe everyone out if they aren't taken care of or the infamous Volturi step in.

Truly, Eclipse is the best in the series so far. Sadly, that says very little. Twilight was alright. New Moon was terrible. Eclipse is still pretty bad. These stories are basically the closest thing you could get to a big budget soap opera. And where they went wrong has (at least I believe) nothing to do with the filmmakers. The score was quite excellent. The cinematography absolutely wonderful and I think the best of the three. The acting even improved (though not by a lot). And there was even more action (but only slightly). The different take on the story helped a bit and I think the director must have worked a little on less awkward characters but that doesn't save them from their ridiculous scenarios and dialogue.

Eclipse further exemplifies that Stephanie Meyers books just make horrendous films, especially when realizing how faithful they are to the source material. The books might be enjoyable, at least possibly the first time around, but the reality is that some books should never be movies. This series is a good example. Although Eclipse is the closest they have come to bringing a good film to the screen in this franchise, if they stay true to the books closely there is no possible way to succeed after this. In fact, if so the next film will most definitely be worse. Basically, there is not much of any redemption for this series when it comes to quality. And when it comes to "Team Edward" and "Team Jacob" I realize I start to side with "Team Bella's Father." And that's just because he adds a desperately needed small dose of humor to this laughable film.

Twilight made vampires "cool." Well, vampires were never meant to be cool. For good reason. And then it gave young girls a false reality. To say that this series is like teenie bopper softcore porn doesn't seem to far off the map it seems. Especially if you start comparing it to the idea of romance novels. Now in the midst of it's shortcomings it at least turns on the grounds of modern cinema and advocates abstinence. Unfortunately that can't save this sad storytelling from being so laughable. This is a generational film series and one that has a very influential impact on society but one that falls far short of such series of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. At least those series have some quality. Here, we just have young girls ogling muscular guys with their shirts off.

Twilight

2 out of 5 Stars




On a recent move to Forks, Washington, Bella finds herself at a new school in the middle of a semester. One of the first things she learns about is the Cullen family, known to be strange and mysterious. Pretty quickly Edward Cullen and Bella hit off a romance. Oh, and it turns out Edward is a vampire. Generally, this is the plot of Twilight, based on the best selling book by Stephenie Meyer.
Now I never read the book before seeing the film. This could cause a lot of people to ask why I would have grounds to review such a film. It seems, however, that having a vantage point from the outside perspective, rather than the inside, brings ideas that might otherwise be missed.
From a viewer’s perspective it is more than evident that the film is catered to teenage girls. This is why at a midnight showing I was surrounded by these young women, with a small sprinkling of young guys here and there. During the film there was all too many swoons over the “hot” men in the film. I understand making a film geared toward this age group, but this was a bit too much for me.
From a cinematic standpoint I must say that I enjoyed it overall. Does it mean that it was a great film? Not necessarily. But it was a decent one and what makes it good in Hollywood is that it’s going to bring in the money. The cinematography was well done as well as the soundtrack but the editing seemed off. On top of this there was also moments where the story felt more than cheesy and the acting not quite there. Other than that the film was really pretty good. I still think it could be improved, but for a vampire film, especially against the generic vampire ideas, it was intriguing. But one thing I have come to realize and understand from my viewing and conversations with book fans is that by seeing Twilight without having read the book you won’t appreciate the film as much … or possibly not at all.